Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you, but rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when His glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 1 Peter 4:12-13
It is this truth alone that is giving me comfort during this time of legal seperatioin and approaching divorce, in 7 months, with my wife.
I've had so many days where I have felt as if an elephant was crushing my chest and I didn't know how to face another minute. Now those times come in waves, not as constant as they once were, but when they come, they come in great power and force and I find myself walking around reminding myself to breathe and asking God why I am still on this earth. People try to encourage me by telling me that I need to stick around for my sons and while that is true, I still find no comfort from the pain in this, but I do find a purpose still and a reason to bear the pain. I have found myself watching this old clip to remind myself that I have got to be here for my boys. You can find it linked here: http://youtu.be/SU7NGJw0kR8
This may stir me to live on for my boys, but I still find myself wallowing in the mire as there is only one truth that begins to heal my heart and give me strength to get back up. There is something indeed that helps with the pain and I will get to that.
When you first discover that the one who was once your "one and only" and "your girl", now wants to be someone elses, it really turns your world upside down. Then you begin to learn along the way how far short you fall as a man in pleasing a woman both emotionally and physically and it just sends you reeling until you begin to wonder if you ever can be to any woman. After you get a legal seperation people tell you to find another woman, and you begin to entertain that thought all the while knowing how far short you fall and how messed up you are now and so you find yourself wishing you could have a relationship but at the end of the day your impulse is to scare them away because at the very heart of it you know you cannot face that again and don't really think you could ever have a relationship again anyway. Then you have people telling you that even though your are being told to move on, you are still technically married and you must be faithfull to your unfaithful espoused wife. You struggle with all of this, but the only healing begins when you realize that you must keep yourself in the will of God and listen to Him only. He is the good shepherd and the only one who knows what is His will for your life, not other people, legal wranglings or ideas and conceptions that others may or may not have. In saying all of that, even though I know many Godly people who have gone on to other godly relationships in their legal seperation, I find great wisdom in waiting....even after I am divorced. At this point, maybe till I am dead and gone. I want to be in the center of God's will and He will guide me right, I have complete faith in Him. One thing I have learned...I am not ready and wonder if I will ever be.
So my pain is great in that respect. People and especially women don't understand how when a man is defaced and debased as a man it leaves him wondering what kind of man he is and what he has left as a man. But I don't have to find my hope in those matters anymore....
A loved one recently told me, "I wouldn't take a billion dollars to be in your ex wifes shoes right now but I would be in your shoes for free."
That's it, and that's only it. That is the only truth that comforts me. I am in the center of God's will and in the midst of a fiery trial wherein one day I will be rewarded in the heavenlies and before the throne of God in a measure I could not possibly imagine right now. It will be a day where He will wipe away all of my tears and I must keep my eyes on Him, the prize and the inheritance I will gain one day. This is what gets me up off of my back. What I am going through now is temporary and I will reap something wonderfully permanent one day as I stay at it and not become weary in well doing.
As I was driving home this evening after work I was thinking that if the devil came up to me and told me that he could take the pain away by giving me a beautiful woman that would be wonderfully compatible with me and a billion dollars in the bank along with a beautiful penthouse suite in a city, I would tell him "NO!"
Not in a million years.
Even if he offered me a Harley Davidson, I would still say "No Way"
It would be a city bound for destruction. I am content and comforted in knowing that even though I feel like I am in a dungeon of pain; I am being tried in a furnace of fire and will come forth as gold before God. So I rejoice in the Lord and find the joy of the Lord to be my strength.